Felicia’s Story | Vancouver Family Fall Photo Shoot | Pandemic Parenting
As part of our Pandemic Parenting creative photo shoot, Felicia shared her experience with her struggles during this pandemic as a new mom with an infant to care for. Read her story below to find out more, motherhood can be lonely and isolating as is and with the added challenges of postpartum mental health during Covid her story is so relatable. I loved being able to capture such special images of her now 2 year old daughter with a fall family session, she looks absolutely gorgeous in the new burnt orange dress from our client closet.
FELICIA’S STORY
My daughter was born in September of 2019, and for the first six months of her life I struggled immensely. From the moment she was born, she has always been very alert, observant, and aware, and having reflux and colic left me with an infant that was challenging to say the least. Running on 4- 5 hours of broken sleep for six months and having two surgeries meant my healing from birth was a struggle. A crying newborn that would not sleep, and needed to be rocked constantly and held upright to sleep, low milk supply, feeding refusals and a baby that would not take a bottle or pacifier, and a mom that couldn’t pump milk no matter how hard I tried along with that extreme sleep deprivation left me both physically and mentally utterly exhausted to say the least. Running on fumes, my postpartum experience was truly one that I felt like I barely survived. I remember falling asleep every night feeling like the bed was shaking but it was just my own body from the mental and physical exhaustion. Just after six months, after finally healing from my two surgeries, and after hiring a sleep trainer, lactation consultant and postpartum doula, things began to get better. I finally built up the courage to meet friends and leave the house (even if only for lunch down the street), I felt like I was overcoming a huge feat, I was going to get out and start to emerge from this deep isolation and feeling of brokenness and put these debilitating months behind me. Then Covid hit, we went into lockdown, and everything changed. No programs or activities to support new moms, parents and children, no social gatherings or seeing friends and family, simple outings became anxiety riddled and things just got even quieter and more isolating.
I remember being so scared thinking about what could happen to our daughter, I couldn’t bear any harm coming to her or our family. Anxiety grabbed a hold of me, the severity of this pandemic and all the unknowns had me reeling. Walks down the street were no longer “safe” or “normal”, but I had to get fresh air for my own well-being, and pushing the stroller was the only way to get my baby girl to sleep some days. I remember feeling angry when someone passed me without distancing. Why hadn’t they gone on the road like everyone else to leave adequate space for me to pass. I remember pushing the stroller onto the road to avoid any close contact with people for fear that we could get Covid. Should I put a sign on my stroller that says keep your distance??? As funny as it sounds now, it was such a valid and real concern at the time. I remember planning out grocery shopping to minimize our trips (even thinking about what aisle items were on and the best in and out route), ordering from Amazon and “quarantining” our packages before opening, wondering if I needed to wipe down our groceries before putting them away. It was truly a scary time and being new parents with this precious baby to look after only made us even more protective of her safety.
Time passed and things did ease, we suddenly became used to this new way of living. Wearing masks, receiving more info about what was considered low and high risk, and somehow, we settled into a “normal” way of life. I’d like to say that my anxiety decreased, but honestly, I think we have just gotten used to life in our bubbles and these constant levels of stress. Thankfully, along with playgrounds, some programs and classes for kids re-opened and that little bit of space gave me the opportunity to be out in the world for both my mental health as well as for my daughter and her socialization and development.
Still, as a parent through this pandemic I had concerns. My bright and beautiful girl has grown, and I finally have found my groove in toddlerhood even though there are still challenges, my mental and physical health improved significantly, but my worries changed… what about her socialization, will I have to force her to wear a mask when she turns 2. The very thought of it broke my heart. My alert, observant and aware infant turned toddler has always been cautious but she’s very uncomfortable with social settings and upon seeing friends and going to new places she has broken down into tears, nuzzled in my arms shaking and terrified. As a parent I want my child to feel SAFE in the world, cautious is one thing but shaking from fear is another. I hear the word “scared” from her so much daily, she is scared to pass people on the street and needs to be picked up, held, and reassured constantly. The invisible boundaries that still exist and distance, the isolation, anxiety, and lack of socialization… did she feel all that?? Does she still feel all that now?? Is this why she’s scared all the time?? These questions run through my mind, and they trouble me, but with restrictions lifting and vaccination numbers rising, I can only hope that things will return to a new state of “normal” in which we all feel safer, healthier, and more a part of the communities we once knew, and with time the “scared” will disappear.
Special thank you to Chorus and Clouds and Mount Pleasant Family Centre for providing a safe, loving, and supportive place for our family. Through music, art, and play we’ve been lucky to be a part of your programs. Thank you for giving us that little piece of community and joy that we so desperately needed to get through the last year and a half.
