In collaboration with the Butterfly Run Vancouver, BC Women's Health Foundation and Reproductive Mental Health, we are sharing real stories from real women to support pregnancy loss, infant loss and infertility awareness.

Robyn reached out to me after reading my miscarriage story, expressing how much I shared and encouraged other women to share their own stories. She shared her own story about her two pregnancy losses, and when I asked if she would be open to us sharing it to our blog, she was more than happy to, and honoured to be a part of story sharing that might help someone else out there feel less alone. Robyn has a heart of gold for sharing her own very difficult experience so that even just one person reading it might feel less alone.

Read Robyn’s story about the heartbreaking loss of her two babies; the first one at 20 weeks of pregnancy, and the second one at 16 weeks.

ROBYN’S STORY

I have a beautiful 3-year-old son and he was our first baby. He is healthy, handsome, funny and smart. In March of 2021 we were shocked and over the moon to find out we were pregnant with baby number 2. Everything was going so well, and we didn't have a lot of worries in our pregnancy because I had already carried a healthy baby to term. We happily announced this pregnancy publicly after we passed the safe zone into our second trimester. 

After some routine blood work, I was called to go back into the Hospital to have the testing done again and as soon as possible. They said they were concerned about some unusual markers in my blood. The midwife received the results back first and called immediately to say she would be by our house to listen for the babies heart beat. When she arrived, she sat my husband and I down to let us know the two possible scenarios.

1. The baby has down syndrome and it was missed. OR 2. The baby has passed.

It was a moment that took my breath away, and I didn't have a lot of words. My son and husband sat beside me on the couch while the midwife listened for a heart beat that just couldn't be found. We were rushed to medical imaging to hear that at 20 weeks, our baby was no longer alive…and it was a boy.

In that moment I was at a complete loss for words and felt like my entire world was crumbling beneath me. I just didn't understand. The next day, I was given drugs to induce labor and soften my cervix to "prepare" for birth. It was one of the most horrific days of my life. I held my son and cried. I said "I'm so sorry" over and over to him, and my husband. In that moment I had no idea how to move on.

It was something that I didn't think would have happened for us, especially that late in the pregnancy. It took us a while to be able to leave the house and talk to people. We had to announce the passing of our baby publicly, to ensure we didn't get asked questions at the grocery store. Being in a small town we were worried about that.

A few months later I was feeling a bit off, and decided I would take a pregnancy test. To our surprise I was pregnant again! We were cautiously excited and had a group of doctors. With the late miscarriage only a few months prior I was deemed "High Risk".

I felt very little anxiety or worry for the majority of my first trimester. I kept telling myself that this pregnancy and the last one are not one in the same. Every day I would wake up and think "Robyn, try not to think or worry about it not working out, because what if it does?"

During the Christmas break I started to have some spotting due to a subchorionic hemorrhage that ruptured (caused from left over tissue after a loss) I was in the ER every day for two weeks just to ease my mind and see the baby on a bedside ultrasound. The baby was swimming from one side to the other bouncing around and we always felt so good after we left. However, it was difficult to see spotting like that. The doctors kept telling me that when a woman bleeds during pregnancy it usually leads to a miscarriage.

I had an appointment booked with my OB a few days later and she listened for a heartbeat in her office. It was loud, strong and amazing! At this point after weeks of constant ultrasounds, and hearing the babies heartbeat....I allowed myself to relax a bit. During my first visit with the Maternity Clinic at the Campbell River Hospital, I was so excited to meet my team of doctors and see the baby again. I told my husband that I wasn't worried about anything so he didn't need to be there for this appointment. During my appointment we went over my medical history and talked about things I needed to plan like a glucose test, gender scans, etc. After having been through weeks of ultrasounds I felt like an absolute pro looking at the monitor. The doctor moved the camera all along my belly for what felt like hours....and she couldn't find a heart beat. She told me "We don't know for sure yet, don't think the worst." But legally, they aren't allowed to say the baby is gone, as they aren't ultrasound techs.

I was sent away and told to return to medical imaging an hour later. I called my husband and couldn't even make out the words...he rushed home from working in Courtenay. It was happening again. All I felt was anger and shame.  My body was letting me down again. I was 16 weeks 5 days when I lost this baby. I told them I didn’t want to go through labour again, because it was too traumatic. So I was scheduled for a DNC. They told me this is the best way to ensure all of the tissue is removed. After 24 hours of being home from the hospital I woke up in the middle of the night with intense contractions. I spent an hour sitting on the toilet passing tissue left over. It was horrible, painful and a moment that brought me to a dark place. I didn’t want to wake my husband so I sat alone in the bathroom waiting for the labour to end.

In both cases they ran tests and both babies were perfectly healthy babies.  This hurt me so much, due to the lack of closure. Not knowing why is something I struggle with daily. I carry some guilt, shame and anger towards myself because of this. I felt a lack of support from the medical system here on Vancouver Island. I am working on myself everyday and found an amazing therapist in Vancouver who specialized in pregnancy loss. She really helped me through some tough times.

I am now part of the RPL clinic at BC Women's which is why I wanted to reach out to you. I saw in your article about encouraging women to share their stories. I appreciate everything you are doing for women who have experienced this, or might in the future. It's this terrible club that no one ever wants to be a part of, but once you open up about it you can find a community of strong women who understand.

I just wanted to share my story with you and say, Thank you. The world needs more women like you.