From baby announcements, ultrasounds and appointments, to prenatal and baby prep classes, baby showers and get togethers with friends and family, the journey of pregnancy is incredibly special and a huge milestone to celebrate. With Covid, being pregnant during a pandemic has changed this journey significantly, and presented new challenges for expecting mothers. As part of our “Pregnancy Through a Pandemic” maternity photo shoot, mom-to-be Colleen, shared her experience with pregnancy after miscarriage, and the intense feelings of guilt around not feeling fulfilled by pregnancy, due to the isolation and detachment she felt.

COLLEEN’S STORY

Let me start off by acknowledging how fortunate I know I am to be pregnant. I find myself surrounded by couples that are struggling to become pregnant, and I have struggled with infertility and miscarriages in the past myself. So yes, I know I am lucky, and the guilt I experience for not feeling fulfilled by this gift of motherhood is sometimes overwhelming. That said, I am still mourning the loss of my pregnancy.

I am mourning the loss of the pregnancy I always dreamed of having, which has since been replaced by the lonely, isolating experience that is pregnancy through Covid. I am mourning the loss of shared medical and ultrasound appointments, which I have been forced to attend alone because of health and safety protocols. I am mourning the loss of the in-person appointments and face-to-face conversations, that have all too often been replaced with appointments over the phone or computer screen. I am mourning being able to share this experience with family, colleagues, and friends, as I’ve followed provincial mandates and self-isolated at home to keep me and my baby safe. I am mourning the celebration of the pregnancy itself, as there have been no opportunities to gather with anyone to celebrate. I am mourning the loss of the baby shower I always dreamed of, and the financial and moral support that would have come along with it. I am mourning the loss of sharing the beautiful and amazing changes in my body with the people closest to me, and photos shared on social media just don’t feel the same. I am mourning the loss of mom groups and prenatal classes, and building those connections that surely would have lasted for years to come. I am mourning the loss of being able to hire a doula, as I am only allowed to have one support person in the room. I am mourning the loss of having a photographer present to capture those first precious moments of my son's life in this world, and what I went through to get him here.

I am mourning the fact that this should be the happiest time of my life, yet I am left feeling detached, isolated, and alone. I am mourning the fact that even though my son isn’t even born yet, I already find myself talking about the “next one” and feeling hopeful for the chance of a do-over because somehow this pregnancy feels like it doesn’t count. I am mourning the fact that I am mourning at all, when this should be the happiest time of my life.